Tabloid Edition

July 4th

Today is the day, July 4th, that the descendents of the colonial rebels celebrate their temporary victory against the Hessian troops of His Late Majesty King George III.

Despite our long standing and rigid adherence to the Monarchy, and all that implies in the creation of a world that is right, just and proper, we have not been great admirers of the Hanoverians, so we cannot, deep in our hearts, blame such stout yeomen for what was, after all, a series of treacherous acts.

But now that Hanover is no more, and the course of time has moved us on to the House of Saxe Coburg Gotha Windsor, perhaps it is time for a rethink on this matter?

There would be few problems involved, all that would be necessary would be the digging up of the corpses of the pre-eminent rebels of those days, as with that of Cromwell, and their posthumous execution: surely a small price to pay for those 300 million rude colonials to be welcomed back into the family of nations as loyal subjects of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize, and Saint Kitts and Nevis, Head of the Commonwealth, Lord High Admiral, Supreme Governor of the Church of England (Defender of the Faith), Lord of Mann, and Paramount Chief of Fiji, Duke of Lancaster and Duke of Normandy.

As we say, a small price indeed for an end to this distressing interlude of some centuries and most certainly one worth paying.

Class Will Out

The Reactionary News Network is pleased to announce that the niece of the Late Countess Longford has been elected as Deputy Leader of the political party which represents the patriotic working classes of this country.

Clearly her alliance with the scion of the Earl of Carlisle's family paid dividends. We wish Mrs. Dromey well in her endeavours and can see that she will have no problems in working with that product of the Scottish upper middle classes, Mr. Gordon Brown. As ever, noblesse will oblige and her gracious manners will put him entirely at his ease in the presence of such a social superior. The Manse is all very well but there's no substitute for proper nobility now, is there?

We have wondered in the past whether the lumpenproletariat will ever select one of their own number to represent them and are glad to be confirmed in our worldview, that of course this would be nonsense, for class will out, eh, not to say the benefits of a private education.

Times Watch

Oh dear. Where are the old colonial hands when you need them? In The Times today:

The inquiry into the affairs of presidents Omar Bongo, of Gabon, and Denis Sassou N’Guesso, of the Democratic Republic of Congo, marks a break with the protection that was accorded to France’s African “clients” by President Chirac and other former leaders.

Err, no. Mr. N'Guesso is the kleptocrat in charge of the Republic of Congo (otherwise known as Congo-Brazzaville) while it is a certain Mr. Kabila who has the honour of being in a similar position in The Democratic Republic of Congo.

These things are important of course, such distinctions make sending the gunboats to the right place that much easier. The Viscount Palmerston would not be impressed.

Altogether now: Don't These People Have Editors?

(BTW, in order to make these matters simpler, shouldn't we create a list of those African leaders who are not kleptocrats? Not just simpler, shorter as well perhaps?)

Colonial Living Standards

In news from the colonies the leading newsheet of New Amsterdam reports:

In 1900, Americans spent nearly twice as much on funerals as on medicine, and less than 2 percent of Americans took vacations.

Would that the Viscount Palmerston were still with us, a gunboat or two in the Hudson would remind the editors of the distinction between fewer and less.

George Michael

The popular artiste George Michael, formerly with the beat combo "Wham", performed a selection of his hits to a group of teenyboppers at the former site of the home of English football in Wembley yesterday.

Observers described the performance as musical.