How You Should Vote.

Here it is, the long awaited Tim Worstall guide to how you should vote on Thursday, essential reading and no doubt able to swing the election. A few basic points first.

1) All politicians are liars.
2) All politicians are stupid.
3) All politicians are thieves.

You should, therefore, be biased to vote against the incumbent in any and all elections. All of them will lie to you, all of them will attempt to steal your money and freedoms but  their stupidity means it will take them a couple of years to work out how to do so. There may be another election before they do, at which you can vote them out and start again.

With that as our basic background, to the specifics of this election.

About Tony Blair and Iraq. See point 1) above. In more detail about the war, my opinion rests on some realpolitick. As is well known, countries do not have friends, they have interests. It is in our interest to be seen to be on the side of the guys with all the guns. That means that if the Americans ask us for our help (even if it be not needed in a military sense, only in a political fig-leaf sense) then we should provide it, freely. No doubt this is coloured by memories of the Falkland’s War, when it was only the opening of the US Armoury, by Caspar Weinberger persuading Ronnie to do so, that allowed the fleet to sail at all. Belgium, you may recall, refused to sell us ammunition and France actively supplied Argentina. Earlier generations might remember Lend Lease.

This, of course, means that the Lib Dem opposition to involvement in the war carries no weight with me. Their idiocy on matters economic is also something of a turn off.

Labour has managed to trample on all the things I consider necessary for the continuance of life in a nation that is free. Jury trial, Habeus Corpus, the rule of law, ID Cards....so, no, not them either.

The minor parties have no hope of getting in, even if the Green Party idea of a Citizen’s Basic Income is correct. The various Nationalist parties? Plaid Cymru and the SNP, I would love to see them sweep their respective nations. Then they can be independent and we won’t have to pay for them any more. Sinn Feinn are of course odious thugs who no one should vote for. UKIP and Veritas....sorry, we were talking serious politics weren’t we? The Liberals get a lot of sympathy from me but they’re going absolutely nowhere. You know the rest of the sorry list.

The Tories? Well, yes, but not with a light heart. More below.

There are two specific constituencies where I would advise a specific vote. One is whichever seat Alfie the OK is standing in. He’s put down his 500 quid, seems a reasonable man and certainly has more brains than any random ten of the usual back bench fodder. Vote Alfie.

If you happen to live in the Taunton constituency then you really ought to be voting for Adrian Flook. This is as a result of the constitutional changes brought in by Nu Labour. It is quite apparent, in a process known as falconeration, that the Prime Minister’s erstwhile flatmate is, under the rules and regulations that govern the country, entitled to the position of Lord Chancellor. As I know nothing about the details of the law that puts me several steps ahead of the current incumbent, who seems to know the wrong ones, so you should be voting to keep Adrian in line to be the next PM but two (or three) by returning him to Parliament and thus getting me sorting out the law as an added bonus.

One slightly more general view of a constituency, that of Bath. Please vote for anyone, anyone at all other than Don Foster. The man’s an ass.

This leaves the Tories as the only viable alternative. Clothes pegs on noses perhaps, but yes, Vote Tory!.

As Michael Howard swans into 10 Downing Street on Friday (and the Blairs, having rented out their house, are homeless, ah, shame,) Polly Toynbee’s head will explode.

As one senior inhabitant of the Guardian/Observer dungeons put it in an email to me, that is a noble goal. Simply vote for Polly’s head to explode.