Britney Spears Sex Tape

Another Britney Spears Sex Tape? This time, the story is that Britney Spears was filmed having sex on tape with a man and two women:

The release of a Britney Spears sex tape is probably the last thing the girl needs in her current faintly distressing circumstance. And not just her either - most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they'd probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists. But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it's a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks. The idea of a Britney Spears sex tape conjures up so many conflicting emotions that we don't know what to do. For example, there's pity - does Britney Spears really need this sort of attention after the mental couple of weeks she's had? Then there's antipathy - anyone with an internet connection has already seen pictures of Britney's tatty growler, so why would they want to see it moving around? And maybe just a spot of arousal, perhaps? Urgh, goodness no - this is a Britney Spears sex tape we're talking about. For the love of God, that's just revolting.

This is of course a different Britney Spears sex tape than the one we were all told had been shot in Hawaii:

That is the claim anyway, although all that has been produced is this still shot above. And we don’t even think that is really her, much less that Britney Spears has a sex tape. But if you are to believe it, a 28-year old bar trash kept a hidden camera in his hotel room while humping Spears in 2006 while she was on vacation in Hawaii. He claims that he has not released it yet because his sexual performance was substandard. All of this shown to In Touch magazine according to reports. The film will be worth a lot of money. “It was just normal sex, we didn’t do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out.” That is pathetic. Guys who release sex tapes are creeps regardless of their sexual performance in bed. Guy who are bad in bed are creeps too. Smack them all. Meanwhile, enjoy the Britney Spears sex tape hoax in all it’s glory. We advise that you not waste your time watching this video, particularly our friends.

That's the important thing about this Britney sex tape though: it's a hoax. No, it doesn't matter that The Sun reported it as true:

A SEX TAPE 'starring' BRITNEY SPEARS has been leaked on the net, according to reports. American TV station Fox News say that a 30-minute video of the singer was posted on the web yesterday. The raunchy footage is said to show a shaven-headed Britney performing sex acts on two women and a male companion. During the video, the Toxic star is said to look dazed and consumes alcohol and "what appears to be cocaine and marijuana". If true, the sex tape could prove to be another dent in her child custody chances. However there have been plenty of rumours and fake sex tapes before, with no real ones featuring Britney ever surfacing.

Nor that Showbiz Spy followed suit:

A new sex tape starring the ever-troubled former queen of pop has been leaked online, according to reports. Fox news reported that a 30 minute clip of the Toxic singer was posted on the internet yesterday. The footage is said to show a shaven-headed Britney performing sex acts on two women and a male companion. During the raunchy video, the troubled mother-of-two is said to look dazed and consumes alcohol and “what appears to be cocaine and marijuana”. If true, and it really is Britney Spears in the tape, it could prove to be yet antoher another dent in her child custody chances. However there have been plenty of rumors and fake sex tapes before, with no real ones featuring Ms Spears ever surfacing. Britney Spears was reportedly in hiding last night, fearing her family were about to take drastic action to force her into emergency psychiatric care. And she did it in a way that only Britney could.

For it's not just that the Britney sex tape is a hoax, it's that the original news report itself was a hoax:

Despite certain newspapers reporting that there is a sex tape of Britney Spears huffing and puffing her way through a vigorous sex session with a man and two women, it appears that it is all nonsense. It was rumoured that the tape featured a shaven-headed Britney "dazed", drinking and appearing to take drugs (ticking and tickling all the boxes so far). Not true. Some crazy internet jokers managed to overtype a Fox News report about the star's medical treatment with their own invented text about a sex tape, then forward it to some of the more gullible members of the media, saying it was a link to a real page on the Fox News site. Oddly, a lack of research meant that some of the media reported this as the stone cold truth.

As to what Britney actually has been doing and will be doing in the future....